Nothing is worse than being a high school senior in her second semester of high school looking back and wondering if it was all worth it. All the sacrifices she made to maintain good grades those four years. All the sleepless nights and all the lost time. Was this worth it?
To be honest, I don't know. I look forward to college, I really do; but it is this moment of suspense, of not knowing whether or not that hard-work has paid off that keeps me on the edge. That keeps me wondering if I just wasted four years of my life doing some bullshit that I didn't even enjoy.
Vagueness aside, what I am talking about is the International Baccalaureate (IB) Program. I go to a school at which the IB program is really prestigious and old. Their rules are strict and unyielding. I didn't have a TERRIBLE experience, but to say that I had a good experience might be the biggest lie in history. I felt oppressed, and suffocated--forever following rules that I didn't believe in just because doing otherwise would go on record and hinder my chances of changing my monotonous fate. I don't blame anyone for the way I turned out. I blame myself for being complacent. For staying even when I knew from the moment I stepped foot in this place that I hated it here. I blame myself for letting this program consume me to the point where I sacrificed four whole years on it. There are some who thoroughly enjoy the experience; and that's more power to them. But I didn't.
I focused too much on what I thought was important and not enough time letting myself just enjoy the beauty of being young. I didn't live my life these four years. I simply played a pawn.
Yet, I wouldn't change a thing about it. I was unhappy. I am still unhappy. But that just gives me space to change. A chance to claw myself out of this grave that I've dug. A chance to see the life that I DON'T want to have. A chance for fresh beginnings next year. In four short months, I'll have a chance for a new identity. That's my solace. That's my driving thought.
When I started writing this post, I was highly emotional and weary, but by this point, I remember my reason for staying... each and every time. It is because this program pushes me in ways that I don't want to be pushed; but it makes me smarter nonetheless.
... Now whether or not this has all been worth it will always remain both yes and no... It may have stimulated my mind, but it crushed my drive, something that I will need time to rebuild.
